Wow, I can’t stop writing today.

Noodles is trying to help me. I told her I couldn’t control myself. She and Toto are the two people I told.

Noodles says there are definitely people who care. But really, who? Toto? Her? That’s about it. And seeing them sad about my death can’t be compared to what I feel. And I care about the two of them a lot.

Noodles helps me.

Toto on the other hand, he tries to help. But what he just did might’ve made it worse. And you know, Toto, you might be reading this but honestly, think about it.

I tell you how I feel, still afraid of judgement and I had the courage to say everything I say and I don’t think you understand. I said I haven’t felt so happy that I just forget the feeling of dying and stress and everything, but you deny what I feel. You said something that might’ve been light to you, saying “Probably not and you forgot” when I’m being serious. You can’t say stuff like that. Not to anyone, not just to me.

You’re pretty insensitive. Sorry to say.

I love you, and I care about you, and you cheer me up at times but you do the exact opposite when you don’t think about it properly before speaking especially when I feel like this.

You say I’m selfish and I run away from what you say?

Yeah. I am and I do.

But you know what? I accept what everyone else says to heart and this is how I feel like this. You shouldn’t be like everyone else.

The one person on earth, my boyfriend, not letting me run away from the feeling of sadness is just plain sad. You should be that one person that lets me escape the feeling of just accepting all the hate, okay.

I don’t need to hear anything, no poems, no paragraphs about why you love me.

Just acceptance and relief.

I want you to listen and understand.

 

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