Hi again,

Today I finally pulled through.

I cried a lot, with Toto and Noodles during lunch. I poured my heart out, probably echoing in the hallway. I told Noodles about how I was feeling, this time in person. She tried her best, but I still couldn’t shake off the feeling.

I went to Science late. Everyone saw me and a few of my classmates asked me if I’m okay. Of course I would say I’m fine, anything for them not to worry. I said I was fine and just tired, and my contacts were getting old so they hurt in my eyes.

In English before class started and everyone was chatting away, my friend Braids, she came up to me and started stroking my hair. She looked me in the eye, and hugged me. I couldn’t help but feel so emotional and happy that she was doing this for some reason, and tears just came out.

Noodles saw this, so Braids and Noodles both brought me outside of the classroom talk. At first, I didn’t know how to tell Braids and how to tell her that I was wanting to die, end it all. I knew there was going to be awkwardness and I felt like she would judge me.

Yesterday, Noodles texted me to not harm myself. I promised her, but broke it. I took a cutter, for the first time actually, and put it to my wrist. I didn’t want to kill myself there, but at least feel what it’s really like. I did it, slashed it across the underside of my wrist. I stopped crying, and I felt like I was in this sort of “trance”. Then just suddenly, I heard my mom walking to the door, and she opened it. She didn’t see what I was doing but snapped me back into reality. I put the blade down, and just thought about it. I didn’t regret it, but it wasn’t deep enough for it to bleed, just go red.

I told Noodles that I broke my promise with her, and she took my wrist and looked at it. i laughed a little, I don’t know why. I think it was some kind of maniac laugh or something.

Braids, who I thought hated me before, actually turned out to cry, unexpectedly, and she told me that she loves me, and that it would really be sad if I took my own life, and never be able to come back again. I started crying, just telling them why I wanted to end it all, and once again the tears would not stop.

Braids and Noodles took my hand, and talked to me.

I hadn’t realized that they care.

It’s like they found the life that I had thrown away. (ain’t this cheesy)

From that point I found the tiniest bit of hope again, and I was “anchored” back into this world, I guess. When I cried after that, it was sort of like tears of relief and happiness. Like someone is really here for me, to answer my calls when I’m feeling down, to talk in the middle of my classes when “the feeling” comes back to me, to let me stay at their place when I can’t handle the night alone.

Do any of you have people like this?

I’m really sure you do. Because about 5 minutes before I poured my feelings out on them I didn’t know I had someone that will really care. Even someone like me has people like that.

I’ll try my hardest to hold on. Even if there isn’t a bright future, even if there aren’t happy days for a while. Braids and Noodles, Toto, they have me. I’ll bug them with all I have.

At the end before we were going back to class, I hugged Braids and Noodles again, and even though I had calmed down and stopped crying out loud, the hug made me so happy and the thought of having someone made me so teary again. When will I ever stop crying lol.

Thanks for listening.

Let’s talk about something else now.

I went to grass volleyball with Striker’s brother (only one year younger) and we bussed together for around 45 minutes. We peppered together (rally with spikes) and in the middle Striker came, and we did some round-robin (games), and guess what. We won all of them. We were the king of the court.

Diving on grass actually hurts guys.

Anyway, whoever is reading this, thanks. Love you all.

Anna

 

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