Hi again guys.
I’m feeling better than yesterday, still quite fragile, but working my way through. I have Braids and Noodles to help me out. Possibly Toto too?
I don’t know how to act around Toto. He wants to kiss me, but I’m self-conscious and don’t know how to make the moment, cuz I’m a weirdo. I get drunk from happiness (perhaps not real happiness but I just get excited?) and I can’t make a lovable moment. After some problems with Toto, I couldn’t come to kiss him or act like a couple. I feel like an old married couple instead.
It’s like embarrassment and shyness for some reason? Like why am I doing this kind of embarrassment. It’s not like I want to break up with him or I don’t feel a “spark”. It’s that I get so weirded out from myself because I haven’t seen him in so long.
I tried to be a little clingy today, but I don’t think it worked. I tried holding his arm, I felt like I haven’t been getting touches in.
Friday and Saturday I have this huge Highschool Open Beach Volleyball Tournament. Sounds snazzy doesn’t it. I’m partners with Roast and I feel like we can do this. We are both really competitive and we won’t lose easily. Well I hope.
What else have been happening?
Oh yeah, aikido.
There’s this guy, to be honest I don’t remember if his name is Jerry or Gary but whatever. Let’s call him Gary.
So I think he might be Indian or Ukranian (I know they aren’t alike okay, he might be a half) and last week on thursday, he automatically thought that he was better than me because of age. You know what I’m gonna say.
No offense my dear Gary.
In the beginning of aikido we sit in rank order, and that person just plopped himself down right on the right of me so that I’m lower than him.
So being this patient adult-like self, I’m like K I’m just gonna have to prove to him that I’m better.
Later after a while, my time comes and he becomes my partner. I’m so ready to smash him down (aikido isn’t violent guys haha. I just meant I would prove to him). So respectfully after he finished 4 times of doing his try at the technique with me being nice (I’m not gonna lie okay) and just following him so he feels like he’s better, I take his arm and fling it to my knee and put him down.
And guess what? That’s how we are taught. Strong wrists and not power but to make the other person lose their balance. (There was a sub that day, the real strict teacher wasn’t there)
And he goes, “Woah, woah, woah. You’re really powerful.”
And he makes it sound bad but he said that I’m too powerful. He also tried to fix something (which you never do unless you’re the teacher) and he tried to be all buff and tell me to do it reeeaaally slowly because I’m like a beginner. (Mind you I’ve been doing aikido for more than 8 years)
Even at the end of the class he literally repeated that I’m too powerful like 7 times.
So today! I had aikido again and this time the real teacher was there.
I partnered with him again, and I think he got that I might be stronger than him.
Just saying, I’m not trying to brag or anything but the fact that he was putting me down was major disrespect for me.
So we had a group, one person throwing 6 people that were there and switching once everyone’s bee thrown, and he didn’t understand the techniques and it’s okay if he doesn’t, I’m not saying he should be perfect but if he’s at this level it’s not the same as mine. The teacher was trying to correct him all the time, and I just think that he shouldn’t be sitting in front of me, doing tehniques before me (it’s a rule that the higher ranked go first) or tell me what to do (not that he did).
Suddenly today after he’s seen me take break falls and get thrown around and do techniques on other people he changed the way he talked to me and did this little bow.
Thanks Gary lol
Other than the fact that I’m busy constantly my life might be okay, even though I get scary thoughts a lot, I know there are people and as I promised I’m going to try harder.