It’s me. I bet y’all forget who I am.
I wonder why I’m talking like this all of a sudden haha.
A whole lot has happened. From feelings to injuries to drama to volleyball. I’m not sure where to start exactly.
June 3rd was when I had one of the most major beach volleyball games. I played with Roast, and it was quite a good time. We got to 2nd, but honestly, I feel like it was only our tired and annoyed attitude. Our teachers called us Bobbie and Betty Bickersons the next day. I was so incredibly sore after that day long tournament in the sun, and I had a hideous tan and burn line as well. No joke, it was like I was wearing clothes but it was just the paleness and the darkness.
The next big thing that happened was probably my feelings coming at me again. Suicidal feelings are hard to overcome, and for those who really feel that way cannot just let go of that sadness. You’re your own bully. I was feeling down again.
Speaking from experience, when you feel like that, you feel some of these things. Not everyone feels the exact things as I do.
- Sudden loneliness when you’re with people or just right when you wake up.
- The need of someone to genuinely care but you deny that they like you.
- Sometimes you feel like you need to be hurt more, so you ask things or say things that will hurt you. For me, I asked Toto some questions about who he found attractive and such. Just enough to get you to cry a little.
- Hesitant to hurt yourself, but you force yourself to remember the sad moments in life to do it.
- Ignoring everything good someone says about you, and focusing on the negative.
- Attention wanting, but just ignoring the people when they do talk to you.
- Feeling like you’re weak because you didn’t kill yourself sooner like you’re just words and no action.
The last one, I felt for a long time. Finally, I was about to. Breaking the promise with Noodles and Toto to never hurt myself again, I brought out the blunt edge of the cutter to my wrist once more. I know you’re saying that that’s not going to end my life, but it was midnight. I was cutting myself while thinking of how to die without huge pain. I thought of taking a lot of Advil at once.
When I made my mind or thought I did, people popped in my head, good and bad. Noodles, Roast, Braids, Burger, Salt, Striker, and mostly, Toto. I felt grateful for Noodles and Braids for talking to me about this at school and when they cried with me. It was late at night, around 12:20 so I couldn’t really text them about how happy I was to have them without them asking what was wrong. Both of them tried to make my life better and cared for me. I felt grateful for Roast for being there at volleyball and encouraging me when my VVA coach was kind of rude to everyone. She was there, yelling at me when I was on the court to ‘shake it off’ and to focus on the next receive. I’m grateful for Striker to be my buddy that I always talk to about annoying people and how pissed I was with someone. We had some crazy (literally) fun moments.
Toto, he was a little different. I feel like we have changed each other, and for the better. We were closer than anyone thought we were, and he was always there. I probably spent the most time with this guy, and he understood me to the core. Leaving him without saying goodbye was just rude. I was already texting him, yeah, at 12:30 AM. I believe I said thanks quite naturally, but I might’ve acted sad a little. It might’ve been that weird ‘notice me being sad so you can help me out of this dark hole’ scream for help, but I mostly just wanted to end my life. He immediately noticed and guessed what was going on. He realized it was quite the big deal and it sounded serious so he told his mother. At that moment I was mad he did, but now when I remember, it was a bold action. His mother texted me, and by now it was 1:00. She asked me to meet her in person tomorrow. I felt like a bother, and I thought his mother didn’t like being woken up past midnight for some teenage junk.
The next day I went over to their house, all quiet and sad, and she asked me kindly to come sit outside with her to have a talk. It wasn’t those ‘talks’ that are bad. I followed her, comfortably resting on the rock decoration they have, with Prince, their dog cuddled close to me. Toto was there, and she came, asking me whether I would like tea. I declined, still feeling like a stranger there, and in the world. She talked to me, and I started crying. Tears wouldn’t stop, and it embarrassed me a little. Toto’s mother put her arm around me and started tearing up as well. She laughed a little while asking Toto to get a tissue from inside. She has some good things to say that I actually agree with, and say it to everyone who feels the same way, in act of trying to help them because what she said helped me.
The 16, 17, 40-year-old Anna will be grateful that you decided not to kill yourself.
Anyway enough of the sad talk. I’ll tell you what happened recently.
Toto is at the Canadian Rocky Mountains right now, at a specific place called Limestone Lakes. Search it on google or something, haha. It’s a really pretty place, I’ve never been but he goes a lot. After he comes back, he is going to Oregon state in America for a while.
Currently listening to Toto’s favourite song (and I like it actually, not just cause he said it) “Death of a Bachelor” by Panic by the mode or something. It’s making me cry. Reminds me of him. (Lol he’s not dead, and he’s only been gone for a little while. Chill anna)
Around my friends, I act like it’s normal unless I’m with my close friends. I don’t really wanna annoy them. Inside, I’m missing him a lot, and it’s only been one night. He left Saturday but was at hotels and could text, but yesterday was when he left to go hike and use tents and all that outdoorsy stuff that I don’t really do that much.
I even made my wallpaper a picture of him, which I don’t do because my mom is kinda crazy. Jk I love my mom.
Like, what do I even do when he’s not here? Who do I talk to at night?
Moving on, I’m pretty busy lately. I got a new job at a grocery store, which I didn’t really wanna do but since my mom works there, I got a job automatically. Washing dishes is so fun. *Insert major eye roll here*
Other than that, I’ve been with friends, and Toto before he was gone. (He’s not dead, I act like it tho)
My good friend Pedo was with me on Monday, since I stayed over at her house. Her name is Pedo because we filmed this weird pedophile awareness video for fun. I talked about Toto a lot and we stayed up till 4 am. I had work at 11 am the next day 🙂
Today I went out with my friends Striker and Worm (we’ve been the Asian trio since elementary, all of us half Japanese) to go see the new Spider-man: Homecoming movie. It was great, though the love story wasn’t satisfying. The girl didn’t die nor did they kiss. Bummer.
Worm is my really good friend the third grade, loves reading books more than anything. She’s kinda weird at times, and most people think she’s really quiet but actually not. Gets weird ideas about making darts with the tip of a sharp pencil led. She’s also tall and skinny like a worm.
Let me clear up the stuff about Burger and me.
We used to be friends. I ended that because I’m not one of those people who keep pretending to be friends and being fake. Fake people are the worst.
I stopped streaks on Snapchat, unfollowed her, just ended everything with her. She was too fake for me to keep talking to her. To others, it might not be that bad. But for me, I didn’t like it. Her pointless comments on Instagram, her bad gossip about people, or that air she gives off like she doesn’t care about you when you’re friends.
She used to “hit on” my boyfriend as well. After she broke up with her boyfriend she would call mine attractive and text him on Snapchat. He wouldn’t talk to her though, but it just made me uncomfortable and I didn’t like it.
She invited me to her birthday, I’m guessing just to be nice or try to make things good for no reason. She doesn’t even need me and doesn’t care for real. I declined her offer, obviously. Then she made a huge deal about it on the group chat, and everyone was like “awe it’s okay.”. I was pretty confused.
I texted her actually, kindly, about why she invited me since we stopped talking.
She said just cause. I said okay, and I was even nice. Then she proceeded to ask, “Why are you doing this?” So I said “Doing what?”
She responded, “Distancing yourself off and stuff.” and I just said that I was only asking about her birthday party because I was confused.
She said, “Anna stop your (incorrect grammar kills me!) pushing people that care for you out of your life Why are you doing that”
She kept asking why, so I decided to be honest.
I said, “I cut people off because they’re fake and I never believed them, and I don’t need them in my life.”
Then she says, “Ok well I’m sorry but I don’t need this I’m here if you need to talk but if you’re gonna say sh*t to me and about my friends you should talk to someone else”
You asked. Multiple times. I wasn’t a faker to tell you that you’re perfect and I love you.
Plus I was only distancing off from a couple of people??
She went off saying, “Anna I’m done talking about this. Can you please stop.” “Anna you’re the one that messaged me.” “I told you why and you’re being rude to what I have to say.”
Sooooooo. I only told her the truth and denied a few times that she genuinely cared. I didn’t say anything, and even if I messaged her first, I was talking about something else.
This is pissing me off again.
I have something really bad against her, and I get pissed off whenever Toto mentions her, or when I hear stories about how she used to talk to him during class and how they were laughing and talking the whole time. I just don’t like her, and Toto makes it worse.
But you know, she’s not always bad. I might’ve been putting everything bad on her in my head, and making myself hate her. Like all my insecurities and annoying things rode on her back and I detested her.
She still doesn’t make me happy being with her though. Toto stories make me pissed though. Like English? I don’t know, I’m probably just over-reacting and I know he loves me but… makes me really worried. I’m jealous and I don’t like to show it because it’s stupid.
Speaking of Toto, if I’m not boring you guys, we’ve recently had some fights over text. He begged me to see him Thursday on Tuesday night, like 2 weeks ago. When it came to Wednesday night, I asked what time we’re meeting and he just ignored. I asked again but he just said ‘I don’t know’ and tried to brush it off. I don’t understand why he would just pretend he never asked and brush it off hoping he wouldn’t have to meet me. He tried to pretend and just make me forget it, which made me annoyed. I was pretty excited to meet him too. He was tired apparently.
I was like okay geez. I don’t want to meet you then.
I decided to meet one of the guys that likes me, with this other girl that’s friends with him too. I didn’t even care anymore. I was doing whatever I wanted.
As soon as I told that to him, he was like ‘noooo’ and wanted to meet me. No way, he literally just texted me that he didn’t want to walk all the way to meet me. (I never asked him to walk anyway, I’m an independant capable woman that can walk 45 minutes. Idiot)
Well I ended up meeting Toto, cause he was apologizing and ‘feeling like he wanted to be mean’ (um?) and felt bad and didn’t want me to see this other guy. Geez, I wasn’t gonna cheat, we are friends.
I was pretty pissed then.
But now I just miss him a lot. Please come back. Or someone like my blog so it makes me equally as happy, haha.
Love you guys, I’ll keep you posted on anything else that happens.